I open my eyes and it’s just too bright. I face away to my left and I see an IV bag dripping fluids so slow, it feels as if its counting seconds. That my time is ticking. I look down my hands and ofcourse I a see a PICC line inserted. Letting through everything my body is in need of.
With the feel of the place, it didn’t take me long to realize that I’m back at this place. The place that doesn’t let me forget, even for a minute that it is a place that gives me hope to survive. My healing and wellbeing dependent on this place. But also the place I’m scared could be the last I ever see.
I hate being here. It’s not a place any 23 year old should be spending their lives at, yet here I am. In all I could be doing right now to better my life and that of my loved ones, the only place I could ever be is at home and not the hospital, but here I am.
I wouldn’t know if its the world or it’s me. Everything is falling apart. I’m failing to provide for my family back at home. I’m failing to come through for the only elder we have left in the family and get her medical care. I’m failing to find a way to secure the educational future of the only two siblings I have at home. I’m failing to even save my own self. All because my kidneys are failing me. I’m starting to question if from the day I was born, I was set up to fail?
I look at these walls and I wonder how many people ended up at this very same place as I am. At this same position as I am. Helpless and in desperate need of an opportunity to live just a little bit more. Because in all the hope I could ever have, many people did have it too and maybe even greater than the one I have. I can never be any more desperate than I am right now. I’m desperate for life. I’m desperate to live again. Please help me live just a bit more.
If tears could ever be converted to money. The financing behind my medical bills could be secured, I wouldn’t be here. But then I’ve shed so many, I don’t know how I still have more left. The ones that fall down whenever I think of the only son I have. I didn’t bring him to this world only to leave him here. If anything, he’s the one person that doesn’t deserve this. Not in a million years.
Written by Worshipper Mkhize
Dedicated to Lisolethu